If you’ve recently discovered that your partner doesn’t like sex, you may be confused and uncertain about what to do. If you are someone who finds sex important to your relationship, this can be terrifying and isolating to consider. However, there’s no need to panic. There’s a lot still to consider. The experts at Toronto Sex Therapy are here to help. The first thing we need to do is understand what makes your partner uninterested in sex.
Is Your Partner Asexual?
One of the first things to find out is if your partner is asexual. If you’re unsure what asexuality is, click here to read our last article. Asexuality is when someone doesn’t feel sexual attraction. While an asexual person can enjoy sex regardless of their lack of sexual attraction, a large number of them don’t like sex in general. If this is the reason why your partner is uninterested in sex, you will have to accept that you can’t change that. However, that’s not the only element to think about.
For a lot of people who don’t like sex, their feelings stem from past experiences. Some past experiences may have just been unpleasant and have made them nervous about having sex again. However, some people have had sexually traumatic experiences and may find sex to be traumatizing.
This is an area to tread carefully. When approaching a partner about this, remember to have compassion. They are a whole and valuable person regardless of their disinterest in sex. If you approach your partner with the intent to “fix” them, it will only hurt them and drive a wedge between you two.
However, anyone with any significant trauma can benefit from therapy. If your partner has experienced a sexually traumatic experience and isn’t going to therapy, it might be something to suggest. Even if they still aren’t interested in sex after therapy, they may glean some more peace in mind. Talking with a professional about trauma can help with stress, tension, emotional processing, and so much more. If beginning to recover from their trauma leads to your partner becoming interested in sex, it’s only the cherry on top.
Lastly, someone may also be disinterested in sex because they just aren’t being satisfied. Not all disinterest in sex is because of innate preference or trauamtic experiences. If you and your partner have been having sex and they don’t like it, it’s possible it’s because they’re not getting their needs met.
If neither of the other two reasons apply, discuss sex with your partner and ask them how they feel about things. Discuss the things you both have done during sex and how they feel about those things. Pay close attention to how much time each of you is spending on the other when you’re intimate. Do they do most of the work? If so, that might be the cause of their disinterest.
If your partner dislikes sex because they’re dissatisfied with it, you both will benefit from seeing a professional sex therapist. Talking to someone who specializes in ensuring both partners are sexually satisfied can make a huge difference. Together, we can make sure both of you are feeling heard and understood by each other, both inside and outside of the bedroom.