You’ve done it! You’ve found the most incredible person you’ve ever met. They understand you on a deep, emotional level. You understand them on a deep, emotional level. They laugh at your jokes and they enjoy spending time with you. However, you’ve realized that they have completely different sexual interests. Now you’re panicking because you don’t know how to reconcile this with how great you work together in every other part of the relationship. The good news is, having different sexual interests isn’t the end of the world. Let’s take a deeper look at how you can work around this.
Find Common Ground
The first thing to do when you and your partner have vastly different sexual interests is find common ground. There is almost always some kind of overlap when it comes to people’s sexual interests. If you aren’t sure where to start, try using a kink checklist. These lists are primarily made and used by the BDSM community, but they typically contain a huge array of interests that are far from what one might consider kinky.
Kink checklists come in many different styles with many different things listed. Look over some with your partner until you find one that you both approve of. Many can be printed and many can be done on the computer. There are even some versions of these that can be compared automatically online using a unique code.
Determining Necessity
When you’ve both figured out what things you enjoy and what things you’re willing to try, you can then figure out where your interests overlap. If there’s enough overlap, you may be able to have satisfying sex even if your primary interests are very different. Being able to have sex with someone you love using secondary sexual interests is better than no sex at all.
However, this requires some insight into necessity. Some people have kinks that they find necessary to get off. If you cannot enjoy sex without the presence of a kink that your partner finds unbearable, you’re going to have some problems. Therefore, you’ll need to determine the necessity of certain interests and then discuss this with your partner.
No Overlap
If you and your partner find that you have no overlap in your sexual interests or that one of you has a necessary interest that the other can’t stand, it might be time to look at alternative solutions.
- Figure out how important sex is to you. If you and your partner can both go without sex or will be happy with masturbation, this may become a non-issue. However, for many, this will not be the case.
- Figure out how important monogamy is to you. Being with only one person is seen as the default, but it isn’t the only way to have a relationship. If you and your partner find it necessary to have sex, you may be able to maintain your romantic relationship by having an open sexual relationship or by being polyamorous.
Polyamory is more and more common these days as stigma lessens and people realize they aren’t that tied to monogamy after all. If you’re both comfortable with having other partners, this may provide a solution to your sexual needs in addition to the additional romance. - Figure out how important your partner is to you. If you find sex and monogamy extremely important, it’s time to figure out if your partner is important enough to give those things up.
Get Help
If you and your partner are having trouble figuring all of this out alone, rely on an expert at Toronto Sex Therapy. Getting help from a professional can make a huge difference in working out the best solution. Give us a call to schedule an appointment.