We’ve all been there – wondering if our partner is interested in something sexual or being curious about a preference that you’re too afraid to ask about. The thing is, everyone has this problem. It’s not just you! If you’ve been wanting to ask something personal to your partner, it might be one of these 3 sex questions. Take this opportunity to see what the experts recommend for your approach. (You could even share this article with your partner to break the ice.)
How Much Experience Do You Have?
It’s only human to wonder how we measure up to our partners in terms of experience. However, it’s one of the more daunting sex questions to ask. Not only does it give away some of our insecurity, it also puts our partners in a position of having to divulge information they may not be comfortable with sharing. So, what’s the best way to approach this?
To start, unless you know for sure that your partner won’t be bothered by sharing, it’s best not to ask about their experiences. There’s a way to ask that’s less likely to make them uncomfortable. No matter how you go about asking, it will require putting yourself out there. Just remember, your partner was inexperienced once too.
- Instead of asking how much experience your partner has, try asking something more general. Start with letting them know that you’re inexperienced and are feeling nervous about performance. Then, ask if they’ve done this before. This gives them a chance to answer vaguely with a yes or no.
- Instead of focusing on the experience part of sex, ask more directly about performance instead. Checking in during sex is a completely normal thing to do. Asking if something feels good or if you should do something else is a great way to gauge your partner’s needs.
Can You Stop Doing Something?
Often, people have misconceptions about what feels good during sex. This is especially true if you both have different equipment, so to speak. Plus, everyone’s different. Something that’s worked for an old partner might not work on the current one.
If your partner regularly does something that’s really not doing it for you – or that even evokes a bad feeling – you should ask them to stop! The question is, how? It’s kind of an awkward question, and you’re probably trying not to make them insecure in the process.
- Focus on redirecting their attention. If there’s something your partner does that you do like, get them to focus on that instead. Tell them to keep doing that or ask them if they can go back to that instead.
- Ask them outside of the moment. Pointing out something you didn’t like during or directly after sex is likely to make your partner feel hurt or insecure. Instead, bring it up at a completely different time when neither of you are in the mood. Remember to be gentle when breaking it to them. If they’ve been repeatedly doing something, they were probably fairly confident in its effect.
Can We Try Something New?
If you’re into kinky sex or like the addition of toys, you might be nervous about asking your partner to include these things. If you haven’t talked with your partner about unusual interests or additional props, it can be pretty intimidating. Just remember, nearly 40% of people have a specific kink. It’s not as uncommon as you think it is and, of all the sex questions, is one of the most surprisingly easy to ask.
- If you’re the more insecure one, try asking your partner if they have any kinks. Gauging their reaction might give you the confidence you need to share your own.
- If you’re open to sharing but just don’t know how to broach the topic, try suggesting a kink checklist to your partner. These are easy to find online and help you find where your interests overlap.
If you’re interested in getting to understand your partner’s needs in a more controlled and professional environment, try Toronto Sex Therapy. Contact us if you have questions about our services or want to book an appointment.